Summary: Takes place during The Phantom Menace. Lonely , bored,
and frustrated on the crippled
ship on Tatooine, Sabe' begins to romanticize about a certain
I decided to keep a journal, just to pass the time more than anything.
I've also found that writing in it is
almost like talking to a close friend. All my observations are
there; everything I feel. My opinions and
my beliefs. It helps me stay focused on who I am and not who
I am pretending to be.
No one seems to notice me when I am just being myself and I am
beginning to feel lost. Lately, I find
myself struggling to play the part I was assigned in this drama.
Yes, the writing helps, but it can't replace
talking to a real person.
Sometimes my heart gets so full of secrets and there is no one
I can confide in. Especially now. I feel
alone, despite being on a ship full of people. Presently, there
is nothing I can really do but wait.
We are stranded for the time being, but safe. The ship is damaged
and Padme' has left with Qui-Gon
Jinn and the Gungan to find replacement parts in the nearby city.
No one has yet suspected that Padme'
the handmaiden is really Queen Amidala. And only a selected few
know that I am actually Sabe' her
handmaiden and not the queen.
That's how we want it though. It keeps her safe. Whenever she
is threatened, I become the target for
her. I am her bodyguard, her decoy, but also her friend. She
is like a sister to me and I would do
anything for her. Even risk losing my life for her.
The long hours spent on the ship are taking their toll on me.
I am struggling to maintain this royal facade
while faced with something bordering on frustration and boredom.
Amidala was wise to insist she go
along with Master Qui-Gon. At least she can feel she is doing
something to help the situation. I
suppose, in my own way, I am too, but my contribution is too
inactive for my taste. I don't find solace
or satisfaction in it. Instead, I just feel helpless and useless.
And very bored.
I have allowed myself one respite. I have found myself preoccupied
with something more along the lines
of what a normal fifteen year old girl would be preoccupied with.
In my case, it's the young Jedi, Obi-Wan Kenobi. I catch myself
thinking about him alot. When he is
near me, I can't help but watch him. He is a rather dashing figure;
young, brash, and handsome. It is
easy to romanticize about him because in truth, I know nothing
about him. I have never even really
spoken with him. He's not exactly outgoing; he's extremely quiet,
almost to the point of being
Left behind like me, he is also struggling to pass the time. And
I'm certain he must feel just as helpless
as I do. With his friend gone now, he really doesn't have anyone
to talk to either. I actually feel a little
sorry for him. He is confined on a ship with total strangers.
At least I know everyone. At least I have
the other handmaidens and Captain Panaka close by.
Maybe that is why he keeps to himself mostly. He tries to be polite
with everybody, but I can tell he's
not one to mince words or mingle with people. And there's this
sense of restlessness about him. He
seems to want to be anywhere but here.
As a Jedi, I find him fascinating. He is so different from any
other man I have been aquainted with. He
regally carries himself with an almost arrogant confidence and
at the same time he manages to occupy
his space in an effectively inconspicuous way. But, if there
is one thing I know for sure about him, it's
that contradictions seem to be an integral part of his personality.
I've noticed how he is capable of
conveying simultaneous emotions with one statement. Sometimes
conflicting emotions. Because of this,
it is hard to know what he is thinking or what he is feeling
at a given moment. He's very mysterious that
I find myself wondering about who he is and his life as a Jedi.
I think about the important people he's
met and all the star systems he has been to. I wish I could ask
him questions and find out more about
the incredible Jedi powers he possesses and the understanding
he has of different things. I know I never
will though. I think just the fact that he is a Jedi makes him
more aloof. He is revered by all of us in a
way and it's easy to idolize him. Maybe he wouldn't seem so unapproachable
to me if I really were a
So far, he hasn't suspected anything about me. As far as he is
concerned, I am the queen. And I know
he is not aware of how intrigued with him I am. In fact, I'm
sure he doesn't think about me anymore
than he has to. When he does speak to me, he is very formal and
always to the point. In a way, it's
disappointing. I'd really like to get to know him better. I wish
I could just talk to him.
Unfortunately our desperate situation has once again taken precedence.
Things are going from bad to
worse. From what I can tell, we may be stuck here a lot longer
than anyone first estimated. Captain
Panaka just told me Qui-Gon has so far been unable to purchase
the parts the ship needs and now the
storm is preventing him from seeking them elsewhere.
The very idea of spending even a minute longer here is weighing
heavily on everyone's mind. We've
been given more reason for urgency having just received a transmission
from Governor Bibble.
The news from Naboo is heartwrenching. People are beginning to
die under the occupation of the
Trade Federation. We all watched the transmission in the throne
room of the ship in silent horror.
Afterwards, I felt empty and cold. I didn't know what to do and
knew there really wasn't anything I
could do at this point. There was no way to contact Amidala for
orders and I was not about to make
any decisions in this matter without first consulting her.
I looked over at Captain Panaka and Obi-Wan seated at the side
of the room. I wondered if the Jedi
could feel my sense of helplessness. I wondered if he felt that
way too. I was startled when he suddenly
locked eyes with me and sprung off the bench, his long cloak
swirling around him.
"It's a trick. Send no reply. Send no transmissions of any kind,"
he commanded in a tone that dared
questioning. He strode out of the room leaving the rest of us
mired in stunned silence.
I turned to Captain Panaka. He shook his head slowly.
"He's probably right. We can't afford to risk exposing our location
by sending a reply." He offered me a
sympathetic statement. "A reply would not help anyway." He got
up and followed the Jedi out of the
Rabe' and Eirtaie' rushed over to me.
"What are you going to do?" Rabe' whispered loudly.
"There is nothing I can do, " I whispered back. "We'll just have
to wait and see what develops."
I could tell neither one of them welcomed that idea. I couldn't
blame them. The waiting was becoming
intolerable. I got up from the throne. I didn't want to be in
this room anymore. I had to get out. The
handmaidens started to follow me but I motioned them to stay
"I want to be alone," I muttered. "I'll only be gone for a few
minutes. I just want to walk around a
I could tell from their statements they didn't like this idea
either. Granted, wandering around alone on a
ship wasn't a very majestic thing to do, but there was no reason
for alarm. I assured them I wasn't
going outside. I just needed some time to think about things.
More than anything, I just wanted a good cleansing cry. This situation
was beginning to overwhelm me.
I didn't know if I was doing the right thing by not contacting
the governor. I had no way of knowing
what Amidala would have wanted. Maybe she would know of some
reason to go against what
Obi-Wan had advised. I trusted him but maybe that was because
I was reasoning with my heart and
not my head. Right now, I just wanted to have the chance to release
my emotions and get them out of
the way so I could think clearer.
There were too many people on the upper decks so I slipped down
a level to the engine rooms.
The only sound there was the faint humming of various functioning
components. Other than that it was
soothingly quiet. Since the ship was not in space, the room was
deserted. I found a darkened corner,
leaned into it and quickly succumbed to my tears, burying my
face in my hands. Weakly, I slid to the
floor, letting my royal gown pool in crumpled layers all around
me. It didn't matter if I looked
undignified. I found that liberating in a sense. Besides, there
was no one to see me.
Or so I thought...
Startled, I looked up. Obi-Wan was kneeling in front of me with
a grave look of concern on his face. I
immediately stopped crying and wiped my eyes angrily. He was
the last person I wanted to see right
now. Ashamed, I bowed my head.
He took a deep breath and continued in a very soft voice.
"I know all this must be terribly trying for you..."
I shook my head and tried to resume my air of sovereignty.
"You can't possibly know," I told him, more sharper than I intended.
I was more than a little flustered
and my nerves were getting the better of me. In truth, I wasn't
irritated with him at all. I was more angry
with myself for letting him see me in such a sorry state. He
must think I'm just a sniveling child. A real
queen would have never displayed such weakness.
Tentatively, he placed his hand over his heart.
"I wasn't being presumptuous, Your Highness. I can sense it in
you," he explained. "The despair you're
feeling is so prreviewent...I can almost see it."
His voice was so gentle and sincere. I had never heard him speak
that way before. Slowly I looked into
his eyes. I could feel my heart begin to pound fitfully inside
me and I found myself so taken by his
engaging good looks, I was rendered speechless.
He misinterpreted my silence and leaned away from me slightly.
He licked his lips apprenhensibly
before speaking again. And there was a hint of uncertainty in
his expressive eyes. There was no trace of
his usual arrogance and what he said next confirmed my observation.
"I spoke with Qui-Gon," he assured me. "He agrees with me...about
the transmission being a trick."
The way he conveyed this told me he was hoping to restore any
faith I had lost in him. Surely if
Qui-Gon agreed with him....
"I can see you are not as confident as you try to project," I
said, stupidly thinking aloud.
I regretted it deeply as he actually looked a little hurt.
"It's important that you trust me, Your Majesty."
I wanted to tell him that I did, that I didn't mean to say such
a thing. Instead, all I could do was stare at
It clearly made him uncomfortable. He lowered his eyes and frowned
"Well...try not to worry," he said, somewhat falteringly as if
knowing the futility behind such words.
I did manage to nod, but what I really wanted to do was reassure
him that I was not angry with him and
apologize for my tone. Before I could say anything, he rose,
turned, and disappeared behind one of the
The sudden void I felt in his absence, shook me out of my trance-like
"Obi-Wan?" I called softly, not wholly convinced I wanted him
to hear me and respond.
After a few minutes had passed, I stiffly climbed to my feet.
I began to wonder why he had been down
on this level so I started looking for him.
I found him at long last kneeling down on the floor, half in,
half out of one of the stabilizer cabinets.
Numerous tools and machine parts lay scattered on the floor around
him. He had obviously been
working at whatever he was doing for sometime and was entirely
engrossed in his project. He couldn't
see me from his position inside the cabinet and I took advantage
of this to merely observe him for
I noticed he reached for different objects without bothering to
look for them. He must have known
exactly where everything was and I realized he must have these
parts and tools a lot more organized
than I had first thought.
I knew the precise moment he sensed my presence. He froze momentarily,
then quickly pulled himself
out from inside the cabinet and twisted around to face me. His
statement was one of open curiosity. He
seemed surprised that I had sought him out. Before he could say
anything, I found my voice.
"What are you doing?" I asked, genuinely curious myself.
He turned around and stood up before answering me.
"Some minor fine tuning," he replied quietly.
Minor fine tuning? I gestured at the various parts on the floor
at his feet.
"It looks to me like you're in the process of tearing the ship
apart," I countered, again sounding more
irritated than I was. I took a deep breath and tried to settle
To my surprise, he shook his head and flashed a smile. It was
the first time I had ever seen him smile
and I was somewhat taken aback by it. It was more like an impish
grin, but it completely transformed
his normally dour statement into one of jocular mirth.
"No," he assured me. "It's nothing like that." He glanced at the
parts around him. "Even though I agree
with you, it does appear that way."
I waited for him to say something else but he didn't and the silence
between us was beginning to feel
awkward. I realized he was looking at me like he expected me
to say something.
I took a quick breath and said, "You must be mechanically minded."
I meant it as a compliment but I'm
not sure he grasped that part of it.
His brow furrowed and I suddenly found myself under intense scrutiny.
He was looking at me as if he
were trying to classify some newly discovered plant species.
He wore a peculiar statement that was
completely unreadable. Then he seemed to shrug it off.
"It gives me something to do. I've never been good at idly passing
I nodded in wholehearted empathy. "It's very hard to just wait."
He sighed and his pale blue eyes darkened. He suddenly became
defensive and I realized I must have
sounded as if I was complaining.
"Your Majesty, I assure you, we won't be here any longer than
we have to."
I chewed my lower lip irritably and put my hands on my hips. "I
know that. I wasn't accusing anyone. I
wasn't being sarcastic and I'm not angry....You know, I thought
Jedi were supposed to be able to
sense what other people are feeling."
He looked at me curiously. "In most cases they can."
"Well, you don't seem to be able to! In fact, you are the most
insensitive Jedi I have ever met." I sighed
heavily. I didn't know why I was suddenly taking my frustrations
out on him. It wasn't his fault I couldn't
make myself understood. But then in a way, it was.
My insult seemed to catch him off guard. He appeared quite put
off by what I had said. He stood
staring back at me, those eyes piercing through me like icy daggers.
I had to struggle to keep from
cowering under his gaze. Then he looked away from me briefly
as if to compose himself. When he
finally faced me again, he had resumed his passive statement.
"You are angry," he pronounced knowingly. "It doesn't take a master
of the Force to know that."
"Well I am now," I grumbled then sighed heavily. I was beginning
to think having a normal and pleasant
conversation with this man was farther beyond me than I had ever
imagined. I would never make
friends with him at this rate.
I tried to explain myself better. "It's just that I feel so isolated
here. There is nothing I can do to help
anybody with anything. If I had someone I could talk to...I could
bear all this much better." I paused
and studied his face for any sign of understanding. There was
none. I might as well have been talking to
one of the stone statues in the courtyard. "You seem to be rather
isolated yourself," I continued, hoping
to prompt him into admitting he could also use a friend.
"I don't feel isolated, Your Highness," he stated matter-of-factly.
He lowered his eyes, folding his arms
across his chest, and buried his hands in the sleeves of his
Why did he have to make it sound like that was a totally unfounded
observation on my part? I began to
wonder if perhaps his isolation was self imposed. Especially
now, since he looked resigned to the fact
that I was going to talk to him whether he wanted me to or not
and struck a politely attentive pose. I
could just imagine me thinking I had his undivided attention
when in reality he was meditating on some
ancient Jedi philosophy.
I began feeling very foolish, wondering why it was so important
to me to connect with this man. There
was nothing I could tell him that would spark his interest in
me. He clearly regarded me as something he
was forced to endure. I decided at this point, the best course
of action would be to just leave him alone
before he ended up truly disliking me. I swallowed down the lump
forming in my throat and took a
small step back.
Slowly, he raised those fiery blue eyes to me. He appeared both
perplexed and irritated. I could feel
"I'll go now," I told him. "I didn't mean to disturb you." I turned
on my heel to make a hasty departure
and put as much distance between us as possible.
"You're not disturbing me, Your Highness," he said softly. "I
apologize if I gave you that impression."
I turned to face him, renewed hope flooding my heart. He gestured
dismissively at the reactor behind
"I'm only 'tearing the ship apart' because I have nothing else
to do." His eyes continued to blaze, but the
corners of his mouth turned up slightly in a shadow of a smile.
I stared up at him with an incredulous statement.
"In truth," he continued, his whole demeanor softening considerably,
"I want you to think of me as
someone you can turn to. I know we haven't gotten off to a good
start, but I want you to feel you can
talk to me."
I sighed, relieved. "Between my accusations and my insults, I
was beginning to think I was the last
person you would want to talk to. I thought you had formed a
negative impression of me. Which I
suppose I deserved."
"Not at all," he said with a smile. "I confess, I tend to get
overly defensive at times. I try to compensate
for my own feelings of inadequacy. And I am feeling somewhat
"Oh, Obi-Wan. How could you? After all you and Master Qui-Gon
have done for us. For me." I knew
exactly how he felt since I felt the same way, and was very moved
by his admission. I wanted to
reassure him that having him here meant a lot to me. "I'm glad
you stayed behind. I feel safer."
He bowed his head slightly. "Thank you. That alone is gratifying."
He paused and took a slow, deep
breath. He faced me again with a solemn statement. "I want you
to know I have nothing but the highest
respect for you. You have shown a remarkable amount of strength
and courage throughout this ordeal.
You are a capable leader of your people." He paused momentarily
and when he continued his voice
was very tender. "The tears you shed for them demonstrate your
great compassion, not any kind of
"That is your impression of the queen," I said flatly. "I had
hoped you would tell me your impression of
'me.' I'm losing myself in all this. Impressions people have
of me are really of someone else. Sometimes
even I don't know who I am supposed to be." I stepped closer
to him. "Tell me who I am..."
Obi-Wan began to walk around me slowly, his eyes focusing beyond
my physical self. He was
concentrating now. He reminded me of a computer that was downloading
information or a student in a
classroom calculating a difficult equation. He stopped walking
and stood in front of me, then he closed
his eyes and became motionless.
I began to wonder just how much he could sense about me. I knew
enough about the Jedi to know
what it was he was doing. In some cases they could read thoughts
or intent. Obi-Wan was using the
Force, gathering the essence of my identity to him. I didn't
know if I felt entirely comfortable with his
ability to do this. Maybe he would discover that I was just a
pretentious teenage girl, with what could
only be described as a childish crush on him, and not a sovereign
queen trying to cope with matters of
state. I realized I didn't like the idea of all my secret thoughts
and feelings being revealed to him. I was
just about to tell him to stop when he opened his eyes and spoke.
"You're not lost," he stated assertively. "But you're not at all
who you appear to be," he continued
quietly. His statement told me he was trying to sort through
the meaning behind this. "I don't understand
why I sense this about you. It's like having a sense of two people.
There is the person who is strong,
courageous, and fiercely devoted. Then there is someone modest,
humble even, who feels a little
unworthy, but of what or whom, I do not know. Your heart is struggling
to appease these people.
Sacrificing feelings and keeping them so hidden, there is almost
no sense of them."
I found myself fascinated by his account and urged him to continue.
"What feelings have I sacrificed? What is it that my heart keeps
He paused momentarily as if trying to organize his thoughts to
better convey them to me. "These
feelings are buried so deeply, they are but shadows of true emotions."
He was clearly hesitant to reveal
I tried to imagine what he might have sensed hidden away in my
heart. Independence? I had certainly
sacrificed that. Truth? Most definitely. I looked into his eyes
and sighed. Love, perhaps? It wasn't as
farfetched as it seemed and it would definitely explain a lot.
I remember hearing once how powerless
we are when it comes to love. We don't choose whom we fall in
love with. It just happens. Happiness
is found when our heart's desire falls in love too.
Why did my heart's desire have to be him? There was no chance
of him ever falling in love with me. I
knew what I felt for him was going to cause me considerable heartache
and though difficult at best, it
would be merciful for me to swiftly put an end to perceiving
him that way.
All was not lost however. He had offered me his friendship, which
in truth was more than I initially
hoped for. The idea of being his friend was actually more appealing
to me at this point.
"You're very perceptive, Obi Wan," I began easily. "And only slightly
off the mark."
He raised his brow, his statement both doubtful and amused. He
"Your Majesty still questions my abilities?"
I smiled and shook my head. I was amazed at how comfortable I
suddenly felt with him now.
"No. Just your interpretations."
He considered this. "You have me there. Sometimes my interpretations
are shaky at best." He lowered
his eyes momentarily and became very serious suddenly. "I am
certain of this, Your Highness: You are
honorable, loyal, and caring. You are wise and possess great
sensitivity." He slowly raised his eyes to
meet mine. "You would make a fine Jedi."
That was certainly the highest praise I could have received from
him. I smiled even more and tried hard
not to blush.
"That's very kind of you," I told him. "I only hope I can live
up to your assessment of me."
He leaned towards me, speaking quietly but confidently.
"Your Highness, don't be so hard on yourself. Going before the
Senate is the best course of action, you
must realize this. If you had become a prisoner of the Trade
Federation, there would have been nothing
you could have done to save Naboo." He paused and sighed heavily.
"The damage to the ship is only a
temporary offset. We'll be on our way again shortly. Qui-Gon
is aware of the urgency of the situation
and is doing everything possible to obtain the replacements parts.
In fact, he's formed a rather elaborate
plan he is certain will secure what we need."
I noticed his eyes narrow slightly as he relayed this last bit
of information. Maybe he wasn't as sure as
his master concerning the success of this 'elaborate' plan. I
wondered how it was that he knew what
Qui-Gon was up to, so I asked.
He produced a small handheld comlink and held it up for my inspection.
"We are in constant communication. We've been updating each other
regularly," he informed.
I felt silly. "I thought maybe you two had some kind of Jedi mind
connection. I would have never
thought you would have to rely on a simple mechanical device
like the rest of us."
He grinned. "Well, I do have a sense of him," he admitted. "That's
what I meant when I told you I didn't
feel isolated. In a way, he is always with me." He paused and
frowned slightly. "I'm sorry you feel so
isolated. I want you to know that I am here for you. If you need
anything...all you need to do is ask. I
promise I'll stay close to you and I won't let anything happen
to you. You must trust me, Your
Highness." He straightened and took a deep breath. "I realize
sometimes it is hard, but don't get
discouraged. Righteousness is on our side."
I could feel my throat tightening and my eyes begin to water again.
I stood looking up at him, feeling as
if I had just now met him for the first time. I felt like I hadn't
really known him before.
Impulsively, I extended my hand towards him in greeting. He peered
at it curiously, then seized it in a
firm, warm grasp.
"I'm glad to know you, Obi-Wan," I told him. "I very pleased you
want to be my friend."
He smiled and inclined his head slightly. "I'm pleased to know
you as well. And I'm honored to be
counted among Your Majesty's friends."
"Your Highness! Your Highness!" It was Captain Panaka. He suddenly
materialized between two
stabilizer basins. He spied us and quickly strode over to where
"Captain, why the urgency?" I questioned, slightly miffed at his
"Your Highness, we have been searching for you. The handmaidens
and I were beginning to worry," he
explained. "We thought perhaps you might have left the ship."
Obi-Wan faced me and tried to look stern. "She wouldn't have dared.
Not without me to escort her
"I'm grateful for your concern, gentlemen, but as you can see,
I am quite safe," I replied.
I tried to resign myself to the idea of going back to the throne
room under the watchful eye of Rabe'
and Eirtae' and Captain Panaka. I stepped dutifully towards the
captain's outstretched hand. Then I
turned back and looked at Obi-Wan. He was smiling warmly. I knew
I had helped him in the same
way he had helped me. I felt encouraged and strengthened by our
conversation. I'm sure he did too.
"See that you get my ship put back together by the time we are
ready to leave," I mockingly
Obi-Wan bowed to me. "You have my word, Your Highness," he said
with a mischevious twinkle in his
eye. "The last thing I want is to be held responsible for anymore
Captain Panaka frowned. He looked from me to Obi-Wan, confused.
I shook my head and smiled. "Never mind, Captain. Obi-Wan knows
exactly what I mean." And I was
very grateful that he did.